Los Angeles, California.
Taliban leader Mullah Omar was selected by David Franzoni, the Oscar-winning writer of Gladiator to play the role of 13th century Sufi mystic, scholar, philosopher and poet Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi. Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamemei will play the part of Shams-e-Tabriz.
Initially, Franzoni after much research, had selected Leonardo DiCaprio to portray Rumi and Robert Downey Jr. to play his friend, instructor and companion Shams-e-Tabriz, but after being deeply moved by the outcries of whitewashing, he decided that in order to be politically correct, only an Afghani should play the part of Rumi who was born in Balkh, which is in present-day Afghanistan and as Tabriz was born in Tabriz, Iran – no one would be better suited than Ayatollah Khamenei (he hopes Khamenei’s birth in Mashhad, Iran will not complicate matters should the Twitter Brigade ask for a birth certificate). Franzoni, who has in the past written great screenplays like King Arthur, Amistad, and Gladiator, hoped this new casting would bring no objection or accusations of whitewashing from the Twitter Whiner Brigade, a powerful group of activists who although never have made a film, are well versed in the art of whining on the Internet from the comfort of their chairs.
In his speech at the Motion Picture Academy’s annual dinner, Franzoni stated his film could have lost billions by mistakenly casting DiCaprio and Downey Jr despite their being the most bankable stars in the industry today.
“Besides, Mullah Omar and Ayatollah Khamenei’s onscreen chemistry will bring out the sensuality that was lacking in his earlier cast – the world will be drooling over these new hunks.”
“We, the veteran film makers of Hollywood – despite historically being the world’s oldest, largest and most commercially successful film industry – are completely clueless when it comes to making and casting people for successful films. We have proven again and again, that people who produce, direct, write or finance films should have absolutely no say in whom to cast, this should be left to the professionals. I hope to set a trend by engaging the Twitter Whiner Brigade to select casting for all my future films and also have been in talks with President Trump to create a bill making it law that casting for a film will only be serviced by the Twitter Whiner Brigade.”
President Trump has promised to build a wall around Hollywood and make the Taliban pay for it.
(Disclaimer: This is satire)